Cramps with a Side of Tears

Saturday:

I woke up and took Bryan to the airport early to go visit with his friends in North Carolina for the week. After that, the pups and I went for a run. I decided that instead of putting my life on hold while we wait to get pregnant, that I'd live it as though I was totally normal. So, a normal me would decide to train for a half marathon - totally normal, right? Geez! 

I got home, ready to start my chores for the weekend and there it is, I started. I was so bummed, but I've been committed to not let it get to me. Easier said than done - it didn't go well. My sister and niece and nephew took me out for the day to help get my mind off of it. It worked. For a little bit.

Sunday:

Woke up and took the dogs for a walk. Woke up on what you'd call the wrong side of the bed. Everything was making me mad. I realized committing to not letting it get to me wasn't working this time. I slept and cried most of Sunday - pretty awesome, right? Sunday night, I went over to our friend's house for dinner. They just had the sweetest little baby girl. I want a sweet little baby. I definitely think about stealing her - realize that isn't smart, or nice - they'd find me. I live across the street. Guys, you can trust me with your kids. I promise not to steal them. :) I went home, alone since B is gone, and as I scrolled through Facebook, I saw 5 pregnancy announcements and 3 albums of births and thought to myself, "Why can't I just have a freaking baby already?". Sunday was not my finest moment. Well, then what do you know? I got an email from a friend saying: “We're expecting a baby!”  That’s wonderful news. I know you can’t tell by reading this, but deep down I truly am excited for them. For real.

Today:

At times, I think that we aren’t ever going to have biological children; my hope is shattering, maybe God doesn't want us to have our own children so why keep trying? Adoption, however, is something He’s been very clear about and it turns out, that’s a great way to have kids! We have felt called to adopt, just waiting on the leading to what kind of adoption (baby, older kid, domestic, international, foster?). To my future adopted treasures….we look forward to loving on you and caring for you, holding you.

For those of you who feel alone in this, you aren't.

Verse for the day:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything. James 1:2-4

Surgery it is...

That's pretty scary to me. I know that the surgery is minimally invasive and that I'll be fine in just a few short days, but, man, I'm terrified. I go in Thursday for me pre-certification appointment and to talk about the surgery more. I fully trust that God has this under control and that He's put me in this doctor's hands for a reason. Next week, if all is good, I'll go in for my pre-op and then have my surgery on Friday, the 19th.

I didn't really let myself think about the surgery because I was so hoping that we'd finally be pregnant this month, but God has bigger and better plans for me and Bryan. We know that He knows what He's doing and we pray that we focus on what He's teaching us through this instead of just being so overwhelmed with the valley we're in.

We've started looking into and praying about adoption and what that would look like for us and what children God is calling us to love on. This will be a step we take whether we have a child of our own, we just aren't sure what that looks like yet. It is weighing pretty heavy on both of our hearts and we feel confident that this is a calling that God has on our lives. That thought absolutely terrifies me. I can say it so calmly, but inside, my heart is racing; my mind is racing. Do I have the capacity to love an adopted child as much as I would one of my own? What if the child we choose doesn't love us? Will we be good examples of Christ to this child? Will we be good parents? I could keep going, but I won't because God knows my thoughts and my fears and He will calm my heart and show us what His will is. We are seriously praying that we aren't filling in God's gaps, but that we are obeying a calling.

A song I love right now: You Are Able by Christy Nockels

Verse:
We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:5

Tough Choices Ahead

Well, we met with a fertility specialist on Thursday of last week. It's taken a while to absorb everything we talked about enough to write about it.

Going in to the appointment, I was nervous, scared, upset, skeptical; but, we went anyway. After trying for 3 years, it couldn't hurt at this point, right? Bryan came with me, so that was comforting. Our new RE, Reproductive Endocrinologist, is not happy with the results or lack of results with Clomid. He told us that after this cycle, if we do not become pregnant again, I will have to have outpatient surgery. The procedure is called a laproscopy and they will stick a camera through my abdomen to see if there is any endometriosis or other factors that are causing me to have trouble getting pregnant. He's not satisfied that it's "unexplained infertility" and wants to get to the bottom of the problem as quickly as he can. While I'm not super excited about having surgery, I understand the necessity of it and I'll go in with a smile on my face. This would mean being on birth control for a full cycle so that they can do the procedure successfully without stopping a pregnancy, etc. Prior to the surgery, he said that I will have a gamut of tests run with acronyms that I can't remember at the moment. After surgery, and this is all hypothetical, we would have the options of an IUI that comes with a price tag of $1500 or IVF, which comes with a slightly higher price tag of $11K. I told the doctor that even though I enjoyed meeting him, I really hoped that being there scared a baby Reno into existence and that we never have to see him again - we all got a good laugh. :)

We are still praying fervently that God will bring us a baby and we know that He has the power to do just that. We would love for you to pray with us.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

Baby Love

I absolutely love babies, but I mean, who doesn't? They are so precious!

At this stage in my life, almost 30, I'm surrounded by new babies and baby announcements and lots of pregnant friends. It's hard to walk down the road of infertility a lot of the time. I am so excited for these women and so incredibly grateful that God has blessed them with a precious little life. The challenge I put on myself to pray for women I know who become pregnant while I'm still trying to get pregnant has been difficult but also liberating. It's wonderful to know that I can still find joy even when it hurts so incredibly bad that it's not me that's pregnant - again.

This morning as I was scrolling through Facebook, I saw 4 birth or pregnancy announcements. Facebook can be the devil in disguise when it comes to infertility. I think it's most difficult when, in the time we've been trying to conceive, a few friends are now announcing the pregnancy or birth of their second children. And it hits hard. The why me's or why nots or what the heck is wrong with me questions surface in an overwhelming way.

This week we finally got referred out to an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). We meet with him on September 20 and I'm optimistic about any new approach or avenue we haven't considered yet. The initial idea of being referred to a specialist rocked me. I was so frustrated that I had to go to somebody who specialized in me not being able to get pregnant. Maybe it shouldn't have frustrated me. I'm not frustrated with my doctors because I know they are doing all they can for me, I'm just frustrated with my body. If there is nothing wrong, why the heck can't I get pregnant? What the heck is the problem, right? But I've calmed down a little and come to an acceptance and I'm eager to hear what this new doctor at Austin Fertility Institute has to say and learn from him and his team.

Until then, as always, my verse:

Psalm 113
Praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord, you his servants; praise the name of the Lord.
Let the name of the Lord be praised, both now and forevermore.
From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised.
The Lord is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens.
Who is like the Lord our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth?
He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes, with the princes of his people.
He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children.
Praise the Lord.

Be Patient

I've started this new bible reading plan called, Living the Surrendered Life. I really love it and I'm learning a lot about myself and I feel like I'm growing closer to God in this time, even when it's painful. The relationship is becoming intimate because I feel like He's all that I have - which is how I should operate even when I am "getting my way".

For those of you reading this blog that are struggling in the same way that I am, I encourage you to read this devotional I got yesterday morning:

After being married about 18 months, my husband and I decided that we wanted to have a child. Once we made that decision, we figured that we'd be pregnant in no time. That was in 1994. Our first son was not born until 1999.

Those years of waiting, negative pregnancy tests, watching my girlfriends having their 1st, 2nd and 3rd children when I could not even get pregnant with one child were excruciating. It was a great desire in my heart to be a mom. Why did God make me wait so long? Better yet, why don't some women ever get to become a mom?

During those arduous years, I didn't know why I had to wait. However, since his arrival all those years ago, God has revealed to me over and over again that He is sovereign and I am not.

I believe that God developed some character traits in me during that season of life that otherwise might not have been developed. My intimacy with God is deeper than ever because He truly became everything to me. He knew every thought and feeling I had during this painful time. I wasn't afraid to be real with Him and cast all of the hurts I had onto him. After all, the Bible says in 1 Peter 5 to "cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." I did just that. You can, too.

Exercising patience is not a lot of fun. I am fairly certain that I have never heard anyone say, "Man, I am so excited about what God is going to show me and how I'm going to change during this time of waiting. Woo hoo!" No, not so much. But, as I've talked with countless people over the years after their seasons of waiting, every single person has said that he/she wouldn't trade the life lessons learned for the comfortable life they had before. You see, it's in those days, months and years of waiting where we start to look a lot more like Christ. A good friend of mine describes patience as "waiting without complaining."

I think we could all stand to stop complaining during the waiting.

If you like what you're reading, you can start reading this plan on your own too.

As always, my verse for the day:
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

God has a sense of humor!

Last night at bible study was SO hard for me. I heard about a child that is not in the best environment, going into care of the state and I just broke. I had one of those, it's not fair, why me moments. I know we all have them and we are human. I'm so thankful for the girls in my bible study who prayed for me in that moment. I love them so much.

This morning, I was doing my devotional and just had to laugh out loud at God and His timing. He definitely has a sense of humor. Here was my devotional today, you can't make this stuff up:

A lot of times things just don't go our way. The natural response to an undesired event in our life is disappointment. When you apply for that dream job and don't land it. When you think a relationship has potential and it suddenly ends. When you study for hours for an exam only to find you have to re-take it. When you take your 13th pregnancy test and still don't see that second line. When you submit your writings for publication and they aren't accepted. When you pray for that person to change and you don’t see anything different.

If we say that we don’t ever feel disappointment over things like this, we are probably trying to be too spiritual. Feeling disappointment is understandable and even accepted. But, it should be a stepping-stone on our path with Jesus…not the anchor that drowns us.

We all have dreams that we want to see transpire in our lives. But if they are our dreams and we have not consulted our Heavenly Father, then they often lack vision and purpose toward a higher goal. Our plans, even on our very best day, are nothing compared to the amazing plans God has for us.

We have to rest in the sovereignty of God and the fact that he will always keep His Word to us. The last time I checked, our Creator is never late in His promises to us.

I just sat there and laughed out loud. He can't speak any louder than that! My action plan is this: to pray for other women and give God genuine praise when He brings the miracle of life to them. It is a precious gift that should be praised and I want to be able to do that. I know it will be so hard and I won't always want to do so but I do believe that is what He is putting on my heart. I have spent the past few years so depressed and so disappointed that He isn't "blessing me" when in fact He hasn't stopped blessing me. I'm learning to slowly use the disappointment to grow my relationship with my Heavenly Father, to enjoy being drawn to Him even if it IS painful.

Verse for the Day:
Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Good song I heard today too: Blessings by Laura Story

Frustration Mounts

I told y'all I had to start taking Provera - a medicine to start my cycle up again last month. Well, what the nurse or pharmacist didn't tell me was to STOP TAKING IT if I started on my own. So, now, I've started my 2nd cycle in 2 weeks. Frustration is mounting and it's hard for me to lean into God on this one because nothing seems like it's under control. I'm so angry with the nurse and the pharmacist for letting this happen. I called on Monday and left a message for the nurse to ask through their email system as well and didn't hear back until Thursday when it was too late and I'd already taken all of the meds.

Trying to remember that God is bigger and He'll get me through this...

Good vs. Bad - Infertility Woes

Well, no blood test was needed this morning as I started on Saturday. My doctor advised to go ahead and start using the progestin he prescribed to make sure my body was reacting properly. I have two more days worth of that medicine to take - it's not bad, doesn't make me feel sick, dizzy, anything like that. While I'm very sad that we aren't pregnant, I'm really thankful that it didn't turn up to be something like a cyst or a miscarriage. That would have been even more devastating.

I started another round of Clomid this morning to make sure my body ovulates since it got a little thrown off course this time around. This month is going to be chock full of doctor's appointments to make sure everything is ok - well, every month from now on will be, according to my doc. I have an ovulation sonogram (monthly now) on the 12th or 13th day of each cycle. Then on the 21st day of the cycle, I go in for a progesterone screening.

Our next option will be the IUI - more info here. I don't know what is stalling me, but I'm still not completely on board with this idea yet. We are still praying through this decision. Right now, we are considering using a fertility monitor in addition to our normal ovulation predictor kit to see if we can get a better read on my cycle at all and plan better.

My verse for the week:
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

Questions...

I go in for a blood test on Monday to confirm I'm not pregnant (back story in previous post). If it comes back negative like we all assume it will, I will be started on a progestin to help me start my cycle again. Trying so hard not to be angry right now. This is the last thing you want to happen when you are trying to conceive, especially if you've been trying as long as Bryan and I have (see previous post for our story). It feels like a huge slap in the face.

Holding true to this today:
For I know the plans I have for you, says the lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.
Jeremiah 29:11

Infertility sucks...

Infertility is a hard road to walk down. I couldn't imagine trying to walk that road without the friends and family God has placed in my life. For that matter, I couldn't imagine doing this without a firm relationship with my heavenly Father. The relationship isn't perfect. I scream at Him. A lot. I cry to Him more than you know. I question Him daily on why His way has to be so hard. But, at the end of the day I trust Him and I know that His plan is supremely better than my plan ever could be.

We had somewhat of a "3-Year Plan". Get married, be "free" for 2 or 3 years, have fun, and then try to get pregnant when we were ready. This has proved to be somewhat tricky. We've followed our own plan instead of abiding in God's plan. I always thought it would be easy to get pregnant, we'd just try for a few months and it would happen - not the case. Sometimes you hear women say, "oh, my husband can just look at me and I get pregnant", or "just have a few cocktails, that's how I got pregnant". I know they aren't trying to be hurtful, that's their experience and they are so very blessed to have it that easy. For some of us though, fertility seems like the hardest task on the planet. Add to that the fact that you have absolutely no control over it and it's even harder. 

Here's our story: For the past 3 years, Bryan and I have been trying to get pregnant. We started a few months before our adorable little nephew was born in September of 2009. When we have been overwhelmed, we've taken a few months off here and there or just not put as much focus on it but in total, it's been 3 years. We finally went to the doctor in January of this year for help. It's not easy for me to ask for help so this step was monumental. Our doctor advised us to try for 2 more months and then we would start a fertility drug called Clomid. In March, after failing to conceive, we accepted this as an option after much thought and prayer and have been using that every month since then as a fertility aid - even more monumental. We've been on the drug for 4 months now and this past time, we thought it had worked it's magic and I was in fact pregnant. I'm never even a day late and this cycle, I am now two weeks late, however, we are not getting a positive test at home. I have a call in to my doctor and I'll keep you all updated on this journey we are going through. I don't have high hopes though as we keep getting negative tests. I do know though that when we do have a child, whether naturally or through adoption, if it comes to that, it will be the sweetest day and the blessing will feel that much bigger. 

This is what we're learning: Our lives aren't our own and apart from God, we can do nothing. 

Learning from these verses today:

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6


A good quote:
Perhaps strength doesn’t reside in having never been broken, but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places.  - Unknown