Hope in Loss

I love this photo. I love this photo because it captures a moment between me and Jaden, a good moment, that completely betrays how I really felt at that time.

Last week I had a miscarriage.

It aches in the very deepest parts of me to even write that sentence. If y’all remember, becoming pregnant with Jaden was no walk in the park. It took four very long and excruciating years that almost tore our marriage apart. When we got pregnant without even trying this time, we were elated. In those six beautiful weeks (I was 10 weeks along when I miscarried), we got to dream and hope about that beautiful little baby growing in my belly.  That baby, that hope of a new life will always be a part of me, so the loss of that hope feels so very sad right now and probably always will.

I keep having the same thought lately. We as expecting parents are sort of trained to "not tell ANYONE we're expecting incase we miscarry." I mean really, that's awful.

We were honestly so excited that we got pregnant without really trying this time that I told everybody I knew, even the girl that cuts my hair. And even though it was hard to tell the people that knew we were pregnant that we lost the baby, it became my saving grace on what has hands down been the worst week of my life. I’ve learned that it is not so awful to have people, friends, and family there to cry with you, hold your hand, tell you that yes this does completely suck but that they're there with you. Like I said, saving grace.

Miscarriage is painful. It is a real loss. In my grief, I’m praying so hard that I don’t forget to cherish Jaden, he’s such a little miracle himself. Honestly though, I’m most scared that pregnancy will never feel the same again. Will I truly be able to experience the joy of expecting another child or will it be filled with tension and apprehension the whole time? I still feel like I’ve been hit by a bus and I’m so, so tired but each day is slowly getting easier and better. I’m so thankful for my village and their willingness to step in and get messy and not let me fall too far down into the cracks.

Thank you for all of you that knew and are praying. I feel the peace more and more every single day and we love you so much for walking through this with us.

“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8