We're Pregnant! And Rainbow Babies.

I've been reading a lot lately about pregnancy after miscarriage, trying to make sense of all of the feelings I have whirling around inside of me right now. I am needing to hear that somebody else is terrified. I need to hear from someone else that it's ok and my joy and grief can co-exist. I've been desperate for someone else to validate my feelings.

Bryan and I were ecstatic to get pregnant again so quickly after our miscarriage. But, outside of my closest friends, I just don't tell anyone how terrified I am and that sometimes the fear heavily outweighs the joy. Or that I don't feel like I can get too excited about anything because in the back of my mind I am constantly wondering, what if?

I know that my experience isn’t unique. Research shows that women with a history of miscarriage report greater anxiety during pregnancy than those without any previous losses. And that’s even true of women, like me, who miscarried very early in their pregnancy. That kind of anxiety trumps the joy normally associated with pregnancy because now you have the knowledge that something can go terribly wrong.

At our first ultrasound, I just held my breath when she reached for the ultrasound wand. Honestly, it was a miracle that I even made it into the room. Last time we had an ultrasound, she told us our sweet angel baby didn't make it. I hated that room and that machine. I closed my eyes, tried to breathe, tried not to cry and just waited in anticipation for that sweet little whooshing sound. I was anxious and terrified when most women are overcome with excitement and anticipation. I couldn’t deal with feeling such loss again. I couldn’t deal with my doctor giving me that look again. Thankfully that look didn't come. We got to see our sweet, little rainbow baby and hear the most perfect heartbeat.

We are definitely learning how to be joyful again with this pregnancy. We are so incredibly grateful for this new, little life that God has blessed us with. Pregnancy has not been what you could call "easy" for us. We've either struggled to get pregnant or stay pregnant and this pregnancy hasn't come without it's fair share of scares. But we know and see God's hand perfectly protecting this little baby. We are learning, much like our pregnancy with Jaden to be present, to trust that God has this little baby's life in His VERY capable hands and to try and experience joy throughout the process. I've been so incredibly thankful for my friends that I've been able to call or text when I'm really struggling - and there have been a LOT of those days!

So, for those of you reading this that are struggling with infertility or miscarriage - I get it. The struggle is very real and it is so incredibly hard. Try to remember you aren't alone in it and find your person that won't let you sink too far down into a hole you can't get out of. You are cherished and loved and this struggle won't define you.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

Hope in Loss

I love this photo. I love this photo because it captures a moment between me and Jaden, a good moment, that completely betrays how I really felt at that time.

Last week I had a miscarriage.

It aches in the very deepest parts of me to even write that sentence. If y’all remember, becoming pregnant with Jaden was no walk in the park. It took four very long and excruciating years that almost tore our marriage apart. When we got pregnant without even trying this time, we were elated. In those six beautiful weeks (I was 10 weeks along when I miscarried), we got to dream and hope about that beautiful little baby growing in my belly.  That baby, that hope of a new life will always be a part of me, so the loss of that hope feels so very sad right now and probably always will.

I keep having the same thought lately. We as expecting parents are sort of trained to "not tell ANYONE we're expecting incase we miscarry." I mean really, that's awful.

We were honestly so excited that we got pregnant without really trying this time that I told everybody I knew, even the girl that cuts my hair. And even though it was hard to tell the people that knew we were pregnant that we lost the baby, it became my saving grace on what has hands down been the worst week of my life. I’ve learned that it is not so awful to have people, friends, and family there to cry with you, hold your hand, tell you that yes this does completely suck but that they're there with you. Like I said, saving grace.

Miscarriage is painful. It is a real loss. In my grief, I’m praying so hard that I don’t forget to cherish Jaden, he’s such a little miracle himself. Honestly though, I’m most scared that pregnancy will never feel the same again. Will I truly be able to experience the joy of expecting another child or will it be filled with tension and apprehension the whole time? I still feel like I’ve been hit by a bus and I’m so, so tired but each day is slowly getting easier and better. I’m so thankful for my village and their willingness to step in and get messy and not let me fall too far down into the cracks.

Thank you for all of you that knew and are praying. I feel the peace more and more every single day and we love you so much for walking through this with us.

“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8