Be Patient

I've started this new bible reading plan called, Living the Surrendered Life. I really love it and I'm learning a lot about myself and I feel like I'm growing closer to God in this time, even when it's painful. The relationship is becoming intimate because I feel like He's all that I have - which is how I should operate even when I am "getting my way".

For those of you reading this blog that are struggling in the same way that I am, I encourage you to read this devotional I got yesterday morning:

After being married about 18 months, my husband and I decided that we wanted to have a child. Once we made that decision, we figured that we'd be pregnant in no time. That was in 1994. Our first son was not born until 1999.

Those years of waiting, negative pregnancy tests, watching my girlfriends having their 1st, 2nd and 3rd children when I could not even get pregnant with one child were excruciating. It was a great desire in my heart to be a mom. Why did God make me wait so long? Better yet, why don't some women ever get to become a mom?

During those arduous years, I didn't know why I had to wait. However, since his arrival all those years ago, God has revealed to me over and over again that He is sovereign and I am not.

I believe that God developed some character traits in me during that season of life that otherwise might not have been developed. My intimacy with God is deeper than ever because He truly became everything to me. He knew every thought and feeling I had during this painful time. I wasn't afraid to be real with Him and cast all of the hurts I had onto him. After all, the Bible says in 1 Peter 5 to "cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." I did just that. You can, too.

Exercising patience is not a lot of fun. I am fairly certain that I have never heard anyone say, "Man, I am so excited about what God is going to show me and how I'm going to change during this time of waiting. Woo hoo!" No, not so much. But, as I've talked with countless people over the years after their seasons of waiting, every single person has said that he/she wouldn't trade the life lessons learned for the comfortable life they had before. You see, it's in those days, months and years of waiting where we start to look a lot more like Christ. A good friend of mine describes patience as "waiting without complaining."

I think we could all stand to stop complaining during the waiting.

If you like what you're reading, you can start reading this plan on your own too.

As always, my verse for the day:
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

God has a sense of humor!

Last night at bible study was SO hard for me. I heard about a child that is not in the best environment, going into care of the state and I just broke. I had one of those, it's not fair, why me moments. I know we all have them and we are human. I'm so thankful for the girls in my bible study who prayed for me in that moment. I love them so much.

This morning, I was doing my devotional and just had to laugh out loud at God and His timing. He definitely has a sense of humor. Here was my devotional today, you can't make this stuff up:

A lot of times things just don't go our way. The natural response to an undesired event in our life is disappointment. When you apply for that dream job and don't land it. When you think a relationship has potential and it suddenly ends. When you study for hours for an exam only to find you have to re-take it. When you take your 13th pregnancy test and still don't see that second line. When you submit your writings for publication and they aren't accepted. When you pray for that person to change and you don’t see anything different.

If we say that we don’t ever feel disappointment over things like this, we are probably trying to be too spiritual. Feeling disappointment is understandable and even accepted. But, it should be a stepping-stone on our path with Jesus…not the anchor that drowns us.

We all have dreams that we want to see transpire in our lives. But if they are our dreams and we have not consulted our Heavenly Father, then they often lack vision and purpose toward a higher goal. Our plans, even on our very best day, are nothing compared to the amazing plans God has for us.

We have to rest in the sovereignty of God and the fact that he will always keep His Word to us. The last time I checked, our Creator is never late in His promises to us.

I just sat there and laughed out loud. He can't speak any louder than that! My action plan is this: to pray for other women and give God genuine praise when He brings the miracle of life to them. It is a precious gift that should be praised and I want to be able to do that. I know it will be so hard and I won't always want to do so but I do believe that is what He is putting on my heart. I have spent the past few years so depressed and so disappointed that He isn't "blessing me" when in fact He hasn't stopped blessing me. I'm learning to slowly use the disappointment to grow my relationship with my Heavenly Father, to enjoy being drawn to Him even if it IS painful.

Verse for the Day:
Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Good song I heard today too: Blessings by Laura Story

Frustration Mounts

I told y'all I had to start taking Provera - a medicine to start my cycle up again last month. Well, what the nurse or pharmacist didn't tell me was to STOP TAKING IT if I started on my own. So, now, I've started my 2nd cycle in 2 weeks. Frustration is mounting and it's hard for me to lean into God on this one because nothing seems like it's under control. I'm so angry with the nurse and the pharmacist for letting this happen. I called on Monday and left a message for the nurse to ask through their email system as well and didn't hear back until Thursday when it was too late and I'd already taken all of the meds.

Trying to remember that God is bigger and He'll get me through this...