On Being Called Mama - A Follow Up

This post came up on my Facebook newsfeed recently; one of those "memories" posts. Definitely started bawling. But, thought I'd give an update. The flip side.

I definitely realize that I will never NOT be called "mama" now and for that, I really am truly grateful. It's been about 4 months since my latest miscarriage. I want to tell you that everything is better, my mental health is better and all the days are good, but I'm not there yet. But, that's also OK! If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook, you likely saw this post.

"And if not, He is still good". On what has hands down been THE most difficult week of my life, I cling to this truth. He is still good. Always. #amentothat @shereadstruth

A post shared by Andrea Reno (@andrea_reno) on Jun 11, 2017 at 6:55am PDT

I was doing a study on Daniel right before I miscarried and they summed up the story of Daniel 3 with this, "If not, He is still good".  And I immediately bought the t-shirt as a reminder, and it's so strange because that became my mantra, the words I held onto. I felt like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. The truth is, I was clinging to that story so hard because in the midst of my own storm I related to them, that they went into that fiery pit knowing God could save them, but knowing His goodness even if He chose not to. We went from our gender reveal ultrasound to my doctor's office to find out that our baby was gone. We prayed for God to save that baby the whole way to her office. He didn't. But that didn't change the fact that He's good. And that He loves us and our baby so fiercely.

Y'all. In the last few months, I'm not going to lie, I have felt like I was getting my hair singed off at times. I have felt like I was on fire. But God's goodness perseveres, and for that I am eternally thankful. I'm coming up on my due date, and there are definitely days where I have started to feel like I'm spinning a bit.

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Here's what I know and what I've learned, though: 

Jesus is constantly with me, even when I can't feel him.
Jesus knew when he put those babies in my belly the number of our days together and he still trusted me to be their mama.
This life is not our forever home and my sweet babies are dancing with Jesus.
Jesus loves my babies, those with Him and those here with me, even more than I do.
God pursues me in my suffering.
God can and will work through our darkest moments for His glory.
Our suffering will always ebb and flow.

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Happy Things:
I had a really hard time bonding with Owen when he was born (I promise this gets happy - keep reading). I hadn't dealt with my first miscarriage and all of that pain and heartache came rushing back when Owen was born because he wasn't THAT baby, the one I lost. But, since the most recent miscarriage and even a few months before, we have started bonding more and more each and every day. The last 4 months, I have felt an even more overwhelming sense of love and gratitude for that sweet babe.

Jaden will be turning 4 in a few weeks, a few days before what would have been my due date, and we get to go to Colorado to celebrate his sweet, little life! I'm so excited that we are able to go to his favorite place with some of our favorite people to celebrate that sweet (also ornery and fierce) little boy.

Owen is SO CLOSE to walking and it is so exciting to watch him gain confidence in his abilities.

I love watching both of our boys grow and conquer this life and pray that as they grow that they choose to do that with Jesus.

If I could leave you with one thing if you're going through hard times, it'd be this. God sees you. He's with you. You may not feel him, but he's there friend. Life stinks sometimes. There are days where I'd love nothing more than to just take on a punching bag. You don't have to feel guilty for being mad. Just don't sit in it and stay there. Lean into Jesus and trust in His goodness.

Hope, Loss, Love

I was 16 weeks pregnant a few Fridays ago. We had scheduled one of those fun, find out sooner, gender reveal ultrasounds because we just couldn't wait to find out any longer if Jaden had been right all along about me carrying a girl. The anticipation and excitement while Bryan and I waited for our turn in the waiting room to see our sweet baby was palpable.

They finally called our names. EEK! We got back to the ultrasound room and anxiously readied ourselves for our sonogram. We were about to find out who this little nugget was! She started the scan and there that sweet little baby was...then she just stopped what she was doing and said she'd be right back. She wasn't right back. That wait was agonizing. Bryan's optimism in those moments kept me from completely falling apart or expecting much worse. He always expects the best, never the worst. I tend to lean toward the other end of that equation, especially when it comes to pregnancy.

So many thoughts started running through my mind while our tech left the room. My symptoms had tapered a bit, but I WAS in my second trimester. They usually tapered, right? I mean, this was my 4th pregnancy, why couldn't I remember that? I hadn't felt the baby move a ton, but I was just 15 weeks. Was it supposed to be moving a ton already? Seriously...I can't remember anything. Meanwhile Bryan is scoping out all of the ultrasound pictures on the wall and talking to me about dreams of this little baby in my belly. I hold in all of my fears because I didn't want to bring him down with me, and it was silly to even think that way, right? I had JUST had an ultrasound a few weeks ago and the baby was fine. Everything was fine. And then the door opened.

Our tech looked super serious. She started wiping off my belly and explained that she saw something concerning on the scan and she wanted us to go straight to our OBs office. She said that our doctor was in surgery all day, but that the nurse practitioner was there and was ready for us. That sinking feeling, that pit that I felt just two years ago when we lost our second baby came rushing back. I think deep down I knew then and there that we lost the baby, I just didn't want to believe it. I immediately told my friends to start praying. I needed optimism. I needed hope.

Bryan and I got to my OBs office and sat in the waiting room for what seemed like an eternity, only to be moved to the exam room for what seemed like a whole other eternity. Then our NP came in. She was getting ready to do my exam when our doctor called her. She was pushing back a surgery and was on her way back to the office. That's when I knew it was bad. Doctors don't just push back surgeries for other patients to check on basic abnormalities. Dr. Wang got to the exam room, hugged my neck, asked what was wrong and then just said, Ok. Let's check on this baby. She looked at that baby for what seemed like a whole other eternity. This day was moving at a snails pace. When she looked back at me and her eyes were tearing up, everything sank. I squeezed Bryan's hand as hard as I could while I listened to her tell us there was no more heartbeat. Just weeks before, there was only a 5% chance that we would lose the baby based on measurement and heart rate and all of the other things they check and yet, here we were in the 5% instead of the 95%. Without a baby. Without this sweet little life that we were anticipating. How did we go from sheer excitement of getting to find out what the gender of our baby was to finding out instead that our baby wasn't going to make it?

My first miscarriage, two years ago, was abrupt. It was painful. I could tell it was happening. It all ended quickly and without a ton of intervention. I guess I didn't realize that a pregnancy could end so quietly. How did I not know that the sweet little baby inside of me had been gone for almost two weeks? My doctor wanted to schedule my D&C right away. Saturday morning. I politely declined that because we were supposed to be celebrating Owen that day. Celebrating his little life. I didn't want to miss that. We scheduled for Monday instead. It's strange, you know? Walking around pregnant, but not pregnant? I felt odd all weekend, but I had chosen this. Our sweet friends added our two kids to their already full brood of four kiddos on Sunday night since my procedure was scheduled for 5:45am the next morning.

We got to the surgery center Monday morning defeated and so sad. The paperwork they have you sign and fill out put a pit in my stomach. Abortion. That's what my procedure was. My baby was already gone. This wasn't something I was choosing to do. Why would they call it an abortion? An abortion felt like I was choosing this and it is absolutely the last thing I would ever choose. This baby was SO wanted. Our nurse, Dana, was a fantastic distraction. She was also a Reno. We had never met another Reno other than our immediate family, so it was fun to talk to her about where they were from, etc. The staff was all so great. Everything went smoothly (as smoothly as it could, I suppose) and we were released soon after I woke up. Bryan took me out for pancakes after. He's a good man, that one. I slept most of Monday. Partly because of the meds and partly because if I was asleep, then I didn't have to think about what just happened.

It's been a few weeks now. More of my days are feeling like life is in them and less like everything is falling apart. Announcing our pregnancy and talking about losing this baby has been better for my soul than I could have ever imagined. Just to hear how many people love that baby, not just me and Bryan, and how many people have just shown up and done and been there even when they had no idea what to do or say (who really does?) has been such a tangible outpouring of God's love for us.

So, I guess what I can say is this. When your friends are going through hard times, don't ask them what you can do. Just do something. Get them a gift card for a meal, bring them a home cooked meal if you're so inclined. Bring your kids over for a play date or take their kids to the park so that they can just be. Check on them. Tell them you love them. You don't have to say anything else. Just tell them you love them and it sucks and you're always there. Love big. That's all I can say, that and thank you to our friends and family that showed up and have gone/are going through this with us. Y'all are so special.

We're Pregnant! And Rainbow Babies.

I've been reading a lot lately about pregnancy after miscarriage, trying to make sense of all of the feelings I have whirling around inside of me right now. I am needing to hear that somebody else is terrified. I need to hear from someone else that it's ok and my joy and grief can co-exist. I've been desperate for someone else to validate my feelings.

Bryan and I were ecstatic to get pregnant again so quickly after our miscarriage. But, outside of my closest friends, I just don't tell anyone how terrified I am and that sometimes the fear heavily outweighs the joy. Or that I don't feel like I can get too excited about anything because in the back of my mind I am constantly wondering, what if?

I know that my experience isn’t unique. Research shows that women with a history of miscarriage report greater anxiety during pregnancy than those without any previous losses. And that’s even true of women, like me, who miscarried very early in their pregnancy. That kind of anxiety trumps the joy normally associated with pregnancy because now you have the knowledge that something can go terribly wrong.

At our first ultrasound, I just held my breath when she reached for the ultrasound wand. Honestly, it was a miracle that I even made it into the room. Last time we had an ultrasound, she told us our sweet angel baby didn't make it. I hated that room and that machine. I closed my eyes, tried to breathe, tried not to cry and just waited in anticipation for that sweet little whooshing sound. I was anxious and terrified when most women are overcome with excitement and anticipation. I couldn’t deal with feeling such loss again. I couldn’t deal with my doctor giving me that look again. Thankfully that look didn't come. We got to see our sweet, little rainbow baby and hear the most perfect heartbeat.

We are definitely learning how to be joyful again with this pregnancy. We are so incredibly grateful for this new, little life that God has blessed us with. Pregnancy has not been what you could call "easy" for us. We've either struggled to get pregnant or stay pregnant and this pregnancy hasn't come without it's fair share of scares. But we know and see God's hand perfectly protecting this little baby. We are learning, much like our pregnancy with Jaden to be present, to trust that God has this little baby's life in His VERY capable hands and to try and experience joy throughout the process. I've been so incredibly thankful for my friends that I've been able to call or text when I'm really struggling - and there have been a LOT of those days!

So, for those of you reading this that are struggling with infertility or miscarriage - I get it. The struggle is very real and it is so incredibly hard. Try to remember you aren't alone in it and find your person that won't let you sink too far down into a hole you can't get out of. You are cherished and loved and this struggle won't define you.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

Hope in Loss

I love this photo. I love this photo because it captures a moment between me and Jaden, a good moment, that completely betrays how I really felt at that time.

Last week I had a miscarriage.

It aches in the very deepest parts of me to even write that sentence. If y’all remember, becoming pregnant with Jaden was no walk in the park. It took four very long and excruciating years that almost tore our marriage apart. When we got pregnant without even trying this time, we were elated. In those six beautiful weeks (I was 10 weeks along when I miscarried), we got to dream and hope about that beautiful little baby growing in my belly.  That baby, that hope of a new life will always be a part of me, so the loss of that hope feels so very sad right now and probably always will.

I keep having the same thought lately. We as expecting parents are sort of trained to "not tell ANYONE we're expecting incase we miscarry." I mean really, that's awful.

We were honestly so excited that we got pregnant without really trying this time that I told everybody I knew, even the girl that cuts my hair. And even though it was hard to tell the people that knew we were pregnant that we lost the baby, it became my saving grace on what has hands down been the worst week of my life. I’ve learned that it is not so awful to have people, friends, and family there to cry with you, hold your hand, tell you that yes this does completely suck but that they're there with you. Like I said, saving grace.

Miscarriage is painful. It is a real loss. In my grief, I’m praying so hard that I don’t forget to cherish Jaden, he’s such a little miracle himself. Honestly though, I’m most scared that pregnancy will never feel the same again. Will I truly be able to experience the joy of expecting another child or will it be filled with tension and apprehension the whole time? I still feel like I’ve been hit by a bus and I’m so, so tired but each day is slowly getting easier and better. I’m so thankful for my village and their willingness to step in and get messy and not let me fall too far down into the cracks.

Thank you for all of you that knew and are praying. I feel the peace more and more every single day and we love you so much for walking through this with us.

“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8

Mama...the word that brought me to my knees

Jaden said "mama" for the first time the other day. It might have been an accident, because he hasn't said it since then, but in that moment was such a rush of emotion. I was over the moon excited. But then I remembered what it felt like when I thought I would never hear that word and it be intended for me.

It shouldn't be a surprise to any of you that the journey to "mama" was such a hard one for us. There was a time, not too long ago even, that the word "mom" brought so much pain with it. It was a word that I thought would never be my name, a name I would never be called. It was a dream and it felt so completely unreachable. I would see overly pregnant strangers and cry or hear of successful pregnancies of even my closest friends and bawl my eyes out in agony wanting that so badly for myself and Bryan. I remember wanting to be joyful and share that precious experience with my friends but having to fight through so many hard emotions to do just that.

I'm writing this for those women who are in that moment now, too. I remember the pain and devastation of waiting for those two lines to show up. I remember the fear and agony and hope that went along with our foster training.

In that moment that I heard that sweet boy say mama, I thought of all of you who are there right now. My single friends who just assume it is never going to happen for them. My friends who are struggling with the hard road of infertility. My friends who have had miscarriages recently. And my sweet friends with hearts of gold that are waiting so patiently to be chosen to adopt those precious babies who need their unconditional love.

Here is what I want you to hear today. I love you so much. I see you struggling. God sees you struggling. He hasn't left or forgotten or given up on you. He still hears your cries. Don't give up hope. I haven't been able to get you out of my head or my heart.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

Jaden, Meet...Your Mom

I'm not sure how it happens exactly, but motherhood changes us. Maybe not for every mother, but it has changed me in these 5 short months. I used to be funny(er). I used to be light-hearted. It used to take a lot to bring me down. I was much more confident in myself.

These days, I don't have enough time. I feel like I'm so busy running around, keeping a small child alive and clothed and cleaned on top of working a full-time job outside of the home to be anything but tired - scratch that, exhausted. So, I don't feel like myself. More often than not, I feel worried that I'm doing everything wrong or I'm feeling guilty about the things I haven't done that day (introducing solid foods, getting enough tummy time, playing in our exersaucer, and the list goes on).

Perhaps though, even though everything is changing, I'm being refined into just what Jaden needs in his mommy. We are all growing together. My hope is that even though I feel less sure of myself or ridiculously tired all the time or like I have a short fuse, that J will see that I put my whole trust in God, that I am completely secure in how much God loves me and his daddy and him and that God forgives and is so gracious - even with my short fuse.

Maybe "mommy" might turn out to be so much better than Andrea ever was, but not because of any character traits that "make me who I am"...but more because of the people who do.