We're Pregnant! And Rainbow Babies.

I've been reading a lot lately about pregnancy after miscarriage, trying to make sense of all of the feelings I have whirling around inside of me right now. I am needing to hear that somebody else is terrified. I need to hear from someone else that it's ok and my joy and grief can co-exist. I've been desperate for someone else to validate my feelings.

Bryan and I were ecstatic to get pregnant again so quickly after our miscarriage. But, outside of my closest friends, I just don't tell anyone how terrified I am and that sometimes the fear heavily outweighs the joy. Or that I don't feel like I can get too excited about anything because in the back of my mind I am constantly wondering, what if?

I know that my experience isn’t unique. Research shows that women with a history of miscarriage report greater anxiety during pregnancy than those without any previous losses. And that’s even true of women, like me, who miscarried very early in their pregnancy. That kind of anxiety trumps the joy normally associated with pregnancy because now you have the knowledge that something can go terribly wrong.

At our first ultrasound, I just held my breath when she reached for the ultrasound wand. Honestly, it was a miracle that I even made it into the room. Last time we had an ultrasound, she told us our sweet angel baby didn't make it. I hated that room and that machine. I closed my eyes, tried to breathe, tried not to cry and just waited in anticipation for that sweet little whooshing sound. I was anxious and terrified when most women are overcome with excitement and anticipation. I couldn’t deal with feeling such loss again. I couldn’t deal with my doctor giving me that look again. Thankfully that look didn't come. We got to see our sweet, little rainbow baby and hear the most perfect heartbeat.

We are definitely learning how to be joyful again with this pregnancy. We are so incredibly grateful for this new, little life that God has blessed us with. Pregnancy has not been what you could call "easy" for us. We've either struggled to get pregnant or stay pregnant and this pregnancy hasn't come without it's fair share of scares. But we know and see God's hand perfectly protecting this little baby. We are learning, much like our pregnancy with Jaden to be present, to trust that God has this little baby's life in His VERY capable hands and to try and experience joy throughout the process. I've been so incredibly thankful for my friends that I've been able to call or text when I'm really struggling - and there have been a LOT of those days!

So, for those of you reading this that are struggling with infertility or miscarriage - I get it. The struggle is very real and it is so incredibly hard. Try to remember you aren't alone in it and find your person that won't let you sink too far down into a hole you can't get out of. You are cherished and loved and this struggle won't define you.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

Hope in Loss

I love this photo. I love this photo because it captures a moment between me and Jaden, a good moment, that completely betrays how I really felt at that time.

Last week I had a miscarriage.

It aches in the very deepest parts of me to even write that sentence. If y’all remember, becoming pregnant with Jaden was no walk in the park. It took four very long and excruciating years that almost tore our marriage apart. When we got pregnant without even trying this time, we were elated. In those six beautiful weeks (I was 10 weeks along when I miscarried), we got to dream and hope about that beautiful little baby growing in my belly.  That baby, that hope of a new life will always be a part of me, so the loss of that hope feels so very sad right now and probably always will.

I keep having the same thought lately. We as expecting parents are sort of trained to "not tell ANYONE we're expecting incase we miscarry." I mean really, that's awful.

We were honestly so excited that we got pregnant without really trying this time that I told everybody I knew, even the girl that cuts my hair. And even though it was hard to tell the people that knew we were pregnant that we lost the baby, it became my saving grace on what has hands down been the worst week of my life. I’ve learned that it is not so awful to have people, friends, and family there to cry with you, hold your hand, tell you that yes this does completely suck but that they're there with you. Like I said, saving grace.

Miscarriage is painful. It is a real loss. In my grief, I’m praying so hard that I don’t forget to cherish Jaden, he’s such a little miracle himself. Honestly though, I’m most scared that pregnancy will never feel the same again. Will I truly be able to experience the joy of expecting another child or will it be filled with tension and apprehension the whole time? I still feel like I’ve been hit by a bus and I’m so, so tired but each day is slowly getting easier and better. I’m so thankful for my village and their willingness to step in and get messy and not let me fall too far down into the cracks.

Thank you for all of you that knew and are praying. I feel the peace more and more every single day and we love you so much for walking through this with us.

“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8

Mama...the word that brought me to my knees

Jaden said "mama" for the first time the other day. It might have been an accident, because he hasn't said it since then, but in that moment was such a rush of emotion. I was over the moon excited. But then I remembered what it felt like when I thought I would never hear that word and it be intended for me.

It shouldn't be a surprise to any of you that the journey to "mama" was such a hard one for us. There was a time, not too long ago even, that the word "mom" brought so much pain with it. It was a word that I thought would never be my name, a name I would never be called. It was a dream and it felt so completely unreachable. I would see overly pregnant strangers and cry or hear of successful pregnancies of even my closest friends and bawl my eyes out in agony wanting that so badly for myself and Bryan. I remember wanting to be joyful and share that precious experience with my friends but having to fight through so many hard emotions to do just that.

I'm writing this for those women who are in that moment now, too. I remember the pain and devastation of waiting for those two lines to show up. I remember the fear and agony and hope that went along with our foster training.

In that moment that I heard that sweet boy say mama, I thought of all of you who are there right now. My single friends who just assume it is never going to happen for them. My friends who are struggling with the hard road of infertility. My friends who have had miscarriages recently. And my sweet friends with hearts of gold that are waiting so patiently to be chosen to adopt those precious babies who need their unconditional love.

Here is what I want you to hear today. I love you so much. I see you struggling. God sees you struggling. He hasn't left or forgotten or given up on you. He still hears your cries. Don't give up hope. I haven't been able to get you out of my head or my heart.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

Jaden, Meet...Your Mom

I'm not sure how it happens exactly, but motherhood changes us. Maybe not for every mother, but it has changed me in these 5 short months. I used to be funny(er). I used to be light-hearted. It used to take a lot to bring me down. I was much more confident in myself.

These days, I don't have enough time. I feel like I'm so busy running around, keeping a small child alive and clothed and cleaned on top of working a full-time job outside of the home to be anything but tired - scratch that, exhausted. So, I don't feel like myself. More often than not, I feel worried that I'm doing everything wrong or I'm feeling guilty about the things I haven't done that day (introducing solid foods, getting enough tummy time, playing in our exersaucer, and the list goes on).

Perhaps though, even though everything is changing, I'm being refined into just what Jaden needs in his mommy. We are all growing together. My hope is that even though I feel less sure of myself or ridiculously tired all the time or like I have a short fuse, that J will see that I put my whole trust in God, that I am completely secure in how much God loves me and his daddy and him and that God forgives and is so gracious - even with my short fuse.

Maybe "mommy" might turn out to be so much better than Andrea ever was, but not because of any character traits that "make me who I am"...but more because of the people who do.

Jaden's Birth Story

November 3 finally arrived. Soon, we were going to meet our sweet Jaden. We couldn't be happier. We walked into that hospital on cloud nine. We got checked in to labor and delivery, I met my nurse that would be taking care of us and started with the necessary IV's and we settled in for the night. That night stretched in to two and before we knew it, I had been in induced labor for 48 hours. Toward the end of that 48 hours, our day nurse (whom I adored) kept coming in frequently. I thought it was just because I was pretty far along in terms of dilation, etc. After the first couple of frequent trips in, she had me put on an oxygen mask and lay on my side. She kept telling me everything was fine and that it was pretty normal for this to happen. It happened to my sister, so I believed her. The next time she came in, she attached a heart monitor to his head to "prepare for delivery". Again, she was so calm and I believed her. That's when she explained what was happening. 

I could hear his heart rate plummeting with every contraction. All of a sudden, there were at least 5 nurses in my room helping her move me around and read the machines. I couldn't stop crying, I was in a panic. She kept telling me it was ok and that I was in the best of hands. I asked my doctor (who just so happened to switch overnight shifts that night so she could go on vacation the next day) to do something, anything. Cut me open, do what you have to. Save my baby. I'd say it was the absolute worst moment of my entire life followed by the absolute best. They got Bryan and myself ready to go into surgery within the next 5 minutes. It all happened so fast. Jaden arrived just a few minutes later as healthy as can be. More tears followed, but tears of joy. He was the most beautiful thing we had ever seen. 

I went into this experience with my biggest fear being a scar I'd have to live with for the rest of my life. Now, I'd say that scar is well worth it. Well, well worth it. It's a good reminder of how faithful our God is. We are so in love with this precious angel. So thankful!

Cramps with a Side of Tears

Saturday:

I woke up and took Bryan to the airport early to go visit with his friends in North Carolina for the week. After that, the pups and I went for a run. I decided that instead of putting my life on hold while we wait to get pregnant, that I'd live it as though I was totally normal. So, a normal me would decide to train for a half marathon - totally normal, right? Geez! 

I got home, ready to start my chores for the weekend and there it is, I started. I was so bummed, but I've been committed to not let it get to me. Easier said than done - it didn't go well. My sister and niece and nephew took me out for the day to help get my mind off of it. It worked. For a little bit.

Sunday:

Woke up and took the dogs for a walk. Woke up on what you'd call the wrong side of the bed. Everything was making me mad. I realized committing to not letting it get to me wasn't working this time. I slept and cried most of Sunday - pretty awesome, right? Sunday night, I went over to our friend's house for dinner. They just had the sweetest little baby girl. I want a sweet little baby. I definitely think about stealing her - realize that isn't smart, or nice - they'd find me. I live across the street. Guys, you can trust me with your kids. I promise not to steal them. :) I went home, alone since B is gone, and as I scrolled through Facebook, I saw 5 pregnancy announcements and 3 albums of births and thought to myself, "Why can't I just have a freaking baby already?". Sunday was not my finest moment. Well, then what do you know? I got an email from a friend saying: “We're expecting a baby!”  That’s wonderful news. I know you can’t tell by reading this, but deep down I truly am excited for them. For real.

Today:

At times, I think that we aren’t ever going to have biological children; my hope is shattering, maybe God doesn't want us to have our own children so why keep trying? Adoption, however, is something He’s been very clear about and it turns out, that’s a great way to have kids! We have felt called to adopt, just waiting on the leading to what kind of adoption (baby, older kid, domestic, international, foster?). To my future adopted treasures….we look forward to loving on you and caring for you, holding you.

For those of you who feel alone in this, you aren't.

Verse for the day:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything. James 1:2-4