On Being Called Mama - A Follow Up

This post came up on my Facebook newsfeed recently; one of those "memories" posts. Definitely started bawling. But, thought I'd give an update. The flip side.

I definitely realize that I will never NOT be called "mama" now and for that, I really am truly grateful. It's been about 4 months since my latest miscarriage. I want to tell you that everything is better, my mental health is better and all the days are good, but I'm not there yet. But, that's also OK! If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook, you likely saw this post.

"And if not, He is still good". On what has hands down been THE most difficult week of my life, I cling to this truth. He is still good. Always. #amentothat @shereadstruth

A post shared by Andrea Reno (@andrea_reno) on Jun 11, 2017 at 6:55am PDT

I was doing a study on Daniel right before I miscarried and they summed up the story of Daniel 3 with this, "If not, He is still good".  And I immediately bought the t-shirt as a reminder, and it's so strange because that became my mantra, the words I held onto. I felt like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. The truth is, I was clinging to that story so hard because in the midst of my own storm I related to them, that they went into that fiery pit knowing God could save them, but knowing His goodness even if He chose not to. We went from our gender reveal ultrasound to my doctor's office to find out that our baby was gone. We prayed for God to save that baby the whole way to her office. He didn't. But that didn't change the fact that He's good. And that He loves us and our baby so fiercely.

Y'all. In the last few months, I'm not going to lie, I have felt like I was getting my hair singed off at times. I have felt like I was on fire. But God's goodness perseveres, and for that I am eternally thankful. I'm coming up on my due date, and there are definitely days where I have started to feel like I'm spinning a bit.

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Here's what I know and what I've learned, though: 

Jesus is constantly with me, even when I can't feel him.
Jesus knew when he put those babies in my belly the number of our days together and he still trusted me to be their mama.
This life is not our forever home and my sweet babies are dancing with Jesus.
Jesus loves my babies, those with Him and those here with me, even more than I do.
God pursues me in my suffering.
God can and will work through our darkest moments for His glory.
Our suffering will always ebb and flow.

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Happy Things:
I had a really hard time bonding with Owen when he was born (I promise this gets happy - keep reading). I hadn't dealt with my first miscarriage and all of that pain and heartache came rushing back when Owen was born because he wasn't THAT baby, the one I lost. But, since the most recent miscarriage and even a few months before, we have started bonding more and more each and every day. The last 4 months, I have felt an even more overwhelming sense of love and gratitude for that sweet babe.

Jaden will be turning 4 in a few weeks, a few days before what would have been my due date, and we get to go to Colorado to celebrate his sweet, little life! I'm so excited that we are able to go to his favorite place with some of our favorite people to celebrate that sweet (also ornery and fierce) little boy.

Owen is SO CLOSE to walking and it is so exciting to watch him gain confidence in his abilities.

I love watching both of our boys grow and conquer this life and pray that as they grow that they choose to do that with Jesus.

If I could leave you with one thing if you're going through hard times, it'd be this. God sees you. He's with you. You may not feel him, but he's there friend. Life stinks sometimes. There are days where I'd love nothing more than to just take on a punching bag. You don't have to feel guilty for being mad. Just don't sit in it and stay there. Lean into Jesus and trust in His goodness.

Hope, Loss, Love

I was 16 weeks pregnant a few Fridays ago. We had scheduled one of those fun, find out sooner, gender reveal ultrasounds because we just couldn't wait to find out any longer if Jaden had been right all along about me carrying a girl. The anticipation and excitement while Bryan and I waited for our turn in the waiting room to see our sweet baby was palpable.

They finally called our names. EEK! We got back to the ultrasound room and anxiously readied ourselves for our sonogram. We were about to find out who this little nugget was! She started the scan and there that sweet little baby was...then she just stopped what she was doing and said she'd be right back. She wasn't right back. That wait was agonizing. Bryan's optimism in those moments kept me from completely falling apart or expecting much worse. He always expects the best, never the worst. I tend to lean toward the other end of that equation, especially when it comes to pregnancy.

So many thoughts started running through my mind while our tech left the room. My symptoms had tapered a bit, but I WAS in my second trimester. They usually tapered, right? I mean, this was my 4th pregnancy, why couldn't I remember that? I hadn't felt the baby move a ton, but I was just 15 weeks. Was it supposed to be moving a ton already? Seriously...I can't remember anything. Meanwhile Bryan is scoping out all of the ultrasound pictures on the wall and talking to me about dreams of this little baby in my belly. I hold in all of my fears because I didn't want to bring him down with me, and it was silly to even think that way, right? I had JUST had an ultrasound a few weeks ago and the baby was fine. Everything was fine. And then the door opened.

Our tech looked super serious. She started wiping off my belly and explained that she saw something concerning on the scan and she wanted us to go straight to our OBs office. She said that our doctor was in surgery all day, but that the nurse practitioner was there and was ready for us. That sinking feeling, that pit that I felt just two years ago when we lost our second baby came rushing back. I think deep down I knew then and there that we lost the baby, I just didn't want to believe it. I immediately told my friends to start praying. I needed optimism. I needed hope.

Bryan and I got to my OBs office and sat in the waiting room for what seemed like an eternity, only to be moved to the exam room for what seemed like a whole other eternity. Then our NP came in. She was getting ready to do my exam when our doctor called her. She was pushing back a surgery and was on her way back to the office. That's when I knew it was bad. Doctors don't just push back surgeries for other patients to check on basic abnormalities. Dr. Wang got to the exam room, hugged my neck, asked what was wrong and then just said, Ok. Let's check on this baby. She looked at that baby for what seemed like a whole other eternity. This day was moving at a snails pace. When she looked back at me and her eyes were tearing up, everything sank. I squeezed Bryan's hand as hard as I could while I listened to her tell us there was no more heartbeat. Just weeks before, there was only a 5% chance that we would lose the baby based on measurement and heart rate and all of the other things they check and yet, here we were in the 5% instead of the 95%. Without a baby. Without this sweet little life that we were anticipating. How did we go from sheer excitement of getting to find out what the gender of our baby was to finding out instead that our baby wasn't going to make it?

My first miscarriage, two years ago, was abrupt. It was painful. I could tell it was happening. It all ended quickly and without a ton of intervention. I guess I didn't realize that a pregnancy could end so quietly. How did I not know that the sweet little baby inside of me had been gone for almost two weeks? My doctor wanted to schedule my D&C right away. Saturday morning. I politely declined that because we were supposed to be celebrating Owen that day. Celebrating his little life. I didn't want to miss that. We scheduled for Monday instead. It's strange, you know? Walking around pregnant, but not pregnant? I felt odd all weekend, but I had chosen this. Our sweet friends added our two kids to their already full brood of four kiddos on Sunday night since my procedure was scheduled for 5:45am the next morning.

We got to the surgery center Monday morning defeated and so sad. The paperwork they have you sign and fill out put a pit in my stomach. Abortion. That's what my procedure was. My baby was already gone. This wasn't something I was choosing to do. Why would they call it an abortion? An abortion felt like I was choosing this and it is absolutely the last thing I would ever choose. This baby was SO wanted. Our nurse, Dana, was a fantastic distraction. She was also a Reno. We had never met another Reno other than our immediate family, so it was fun to talk to her about where they were from, etc. The staff was all so great. Everything went smoothly (as smoothly as it could, I suppose) and we were released soon after I woke up. Bryan took me out for pancakes after. He's a good man, that one. I slept most of Monday. Partly because of the meds and partly because if I was asleep, then I didn't have to think about what just happened.

It's been a few weeks now. More of my days are feeling like life is in them and less like everything is falling apart. Announcing our pregnancy and talking about losing this baby has been better for my soul than I could have ever imagined. Just to hear how many people love that baby, not just me and Bryan, and how many people have just shown up and done and been there even when they had no idea what to do or say (who really does?) has been such a tangible outpouring of God's love for us.

So, I guess what I can say is this. When your friends are going through hard times, don't ask them what you can do. Just do something. Get them a gift card for a meal, bring them a home cooked meal if you're so inclined. Bring your kids over for a play date or take their kids to the park so that they can just be. Check on them. Tell them you love them. You don't have to say anything else. Just tell them you love them and it sucks and you're always there. Love big. That's all I can say, that and thank you to our friends and family that showed up and have gone/are going through this with us. Y'all are so special.

We're Pregnant! And Rainbow Babies.

I've been reading a lot lately about pregnancy after miscarriage, trying to make sense of all of the feelings I have whirling around inside of me right now. I am needing to hear that somebody else is terrified. I need to hear from someone else that it's ok and my joy and grief can co-exist. I've been desperate for someone else to validate my feelings.

Bryan and I were ecstatic to get pregnant again so quickly after our miscarriage. But, outside of my closest friends, I just don't tell anyone how terrified I am and that sometimes the fear heavily outweighs the joy. Or that I don't feel like I can get too excited about anything because in the back of my mind I am constantly wondering, what if?

I know that my experience isn’t unique. Research shows that women with a history of miscarriage report greater anxiety during pregnancy than those without any previous losses. And that’s even true of women, like me, who miscarried very early in their pregnancy. That kind of anxiety trumps the joy normally associated with pregnancy because now you have the knowledge that something can go terribly wrong.

At our first ultrasound, I just held my breath when she reached for the ultrasound wand. Honestly, it was a miracle that I even made it into the room. Last time we had an ultrasound, she told us our sweet angel baby didn't make it. I hated that room and that machine. I closed my eyes, tried to breathe, tried not to cry and just waited in anticipation for that sweet little whooshing sound. I was anxious and terrified when most women are overcome with excitement and anticipation. I couldn’t deal with feeling such loss again. I couldn’t deal with my doctor giving me that look again. Thankfully that look didn't come. We got to see our sweet, little rainbow baby and hear the most perfect heartbeat.

We are definitely learning how to be joyful again with this pregnancy. We are so incredibly grateful for this new, little life that God has blessed us with. Pregnancy has not been what you could call "easy" for us. We've either struggled to get pregnant or stay pregnant and this pregnancy hasn't come without it's fair share of scares. But we know and see God's hand perfectly protecting this little baby. We are learning, much like our pregnancy with Jaden to be present, to trust that God has this little baby's life in His VERY capable hands and to try and experience joy throughout the process. I've been so incredibly thankful for my friends that I've been able to call or text when I'm really struggling - and there have been a LOT of those days!

So, for those of you reading this that are struggling with infertility or miscarriage - I get it. The struggle is very real and it is so incredibly hard. Try to remember you aren't alone in it and find your person that won't let you sink too far down into a hole you can't get out of. You are cherished and loved and this struggle won't define you.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

Hope in Loss

I love this photo. I love this photo because it captures a moment between me and Jaden, a good moment, that completely betrays how I really felt at that time.

Last week I had a miscarriage.

It aches in the very deepest parts of me to even write that sentence. If y’all remember, becoming pregnant with Jaden was no walk in the park. It took four very long and excruciating years that almost tore our marriage apart. When we got pregnant without even trying this time, we were elated. In those six beautiful weeks (I was 10 weeks along when I miscarried), we got to dream and hope about that beautiful little baby growing in my belly.  That baby, that hope of a new life will always be a part of me, so the loss of that hope feels so very sad right now and probably always will.

I keep having the same thought lately. We as expecting parents are sort of trained to "not tell ANYONE we're expecting incase we miscarry." I mean really, that's awful.

We were honestly so excited that we got pregnant without really trying this time that I told everybody I knew, even the girl that cuts my hair. And even though it was hard to tell the people that knew we were pregnant that we lost the baby, it became my saving grace on what has hands down been the worst week of my life. I’ve learned that it is not so awful to have people, friends, and family there to cry with you, hold your hand, tell you that yes this does completely suck but that they're there with you. Like I said, saving grace.

Miscarriage is painful. It is a real loss. In my grief, I’m praying so hard that I don’t forget to cherish Jaden, he’s such a little miracle himself. Honestly though, I’m most scared that pregnancy will never feel the same again. Will I truly be able to experience the joy of expecting another child or will it be filled with tension and apprehension the whole time? I still feel like I’ve been hit by a bus and I’m so, so tired but each day is slowly getting easier and better. I’m so thankful for my village and their willingness to step in and get messy and not let me fall too far down into the cracks.

Thank you for all of you that knew and are praying. I feel the peace more and more every single day and we love you so much for walking through this with us.

“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8

Mama...the word that brought me to my knees

Jaden said "mama" for the first time the other day. It might have been an accident, because he hasn't said it since then, but in that moment was such a rush of emotion. I was over the moon excited. But then I remembered what it felt like when I thought I would never hear that word and it be intended for me.

It shouldn't be a surprise to any of you that the journey to "mama" was such a hard one for us. There was a time, not too long ago even, that the word "mom" brought so much pain with it. It was a word that I thought would never be my name, a name I would never be called. It was a dream and it felt so completely unreachable. I would see overly pregnant strangers and cry or hear of successful pregnancies of even my closest friends and bawl my eyes out in agony wanting that so badly for myself and Bryan. I remember wanting to be joyful and share that precious experience with my friends but having to fight through so many hard emotions to do just that.

I'm writing this for those women who are in that moment now, too. I remember the pain and devastation of waiting for those two lines to show up. I remember the fear and agony and hope that went along with our foster training.

In that moment that I heard that sweet boy say mama, I thought of all of you who are there right now. My single friends who just assume it is never going to happen for them. My friends who are struggling with the hard road of infertility. My friends who have had miscarriages recently. And my sweet friends with hearts of gold that are waiting so patiently to be chosen to adopt those precious babies who need their unconditional love.

Here is what I want you to hear today. I love you so much. I see you struggling. God sees you struggling. He hasn't left or forgotten or given up on you. He still hears your cries. Don't give up hope. I haven't been able to get you out of my head or my heart.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

Jaden, Meet...Your Mom

I'm not sure how it happens exactly, but motherhood changes us. Maybe not for every mother, but it has changed me in these 5 short months. I used to be funny(er). I used to be light-hearted. It used to take a lot to bring me down. I was much more confident in myself.

These days, I don't have enough time. I feel like I'm so busy running around, keeping a small child alive and clothed and cleaned on top of working a full-time job outside of the home to be anything but tired - scratch that, exhausted. So, I don't feel like myself. More often than not, I feel worried that I'm doing everything wrong or I'm feeling guilty about the things I haven't done that day (introducing solid foods, getting enough tummy time, playing in our exersaucer, and the list goes on).

Perhaps though, even though everything is changing, I'm being refined into just what Jaden needs in his mommy. We are all growing together. My hope is that even though I feel less sure of myself or ridiculously tired all the time or like I have a short fuse, that J will see that I put my whole trust in God, that I am completely secure in how much God loves me and his daddy and him and that God forgives and is so gracious - even with my short fuse.

Maybe "mommy" might turn out to be so much better than Andrea ever was, but not because of any character traits that "make me who I am"...but more because of the people who do.

Jaden's Birth Story

November 3 finally arrived. Soon, we were going to meet our sweet Jaden. We couldn't be happier. We walked into that hospital on cloud nine. We got checked in to labor and delivery, I met my nurse that would be taking care of us and started with the necessary IV's and we settled in for the night. That night stretched in to two and before we knew it, I had been in induced labor for 48 hours. Toward the end of that 48 hours, our day nurse (whom I adored) kept coming in frequently. I thought it was just because I was pretty far along in terms of dilation, etc. After the first couple of frequent trips in, she had me put on an oxygen mask and lay on my side. She kept telling me everything was fine and that it was pretty normal for this to happen. It happened to my sister, so I believed her. The next time she came in, she attached a heart monitor to his head to "prepare for delivery". Again, she was so calm and I believed her. That's when she explained what was happening. 

I could hear his heart rate plummeting with every contraction. All of a sudden, there were at least 5 nurses in my room helping her move me around and read the machines. I couldn't stop crying, I was in a panic. She kept telling me it was ok and that I was in the best of hands. I asked my doctor (who just so happened to switch overnight shifts that night so she could go on vacation the next day) to do something, anything. Cut me open, do what you have to. Save my baby. I'd say it was the absolute worst moment of my entire life followed by the absolute best. They got Bryan and myself ready to go into surgery within the next 5 minutes. It all happened so fast. Jaden arrived just a few minutes later as healthy as can be. More tears followed, but tears of joy. He was the most beautiful thing we had ever seen. 

I went into this experience with my biggest fear being a scar I'd have to live with for the rest of my life. Now, I'd say that scar is well worth it. Well, well worth it. It's a good reminder of how faithful our God is. We are so in love with this precious angel. So thankful!

Cramps with a Side of Tears

Saturday:

I woke up and took Bryan to the airport early to go visit with his friends in North Carolina for the week. After that, the pups and I went for a run. I decided that instead of putting my life on hold while we wait to get pregnant, that I'd live it as though I was totally normal. So, a normal me would decide to train for a half marathon - totally normal, right? Geez! 

I got home, ready to start my chores for the weekend and there it is, I started. I was so bummed, but I've been committed to not let it get to me. Easier said than done - it didn't go well. My sister and niece and nephew took me out for the day to help get my mind off of it. It worked. For a little bit.

Sunday:

Woke up and took the dogs for a walk. Woke up on what you'd call the wrong side of the bed. Everything was making me mad. I realized committing to not letting it get to me wasn't working this time. I slept and cried most of Sunday - pretty awesome, right? Sunday night, I went over to our friend's house for dinner. They just had the sweetest little baby girl. I want a sweet little baby. I definitely think about stealing her - realize that isn't smart, or nice - they'd find me. I live across the street. Guys, you can trust me with your kids. I promise not to steal them. :) I went home, alone since B is gone, and as I scrolled through Facebook, I saw 5 pregnancy announcements and 3 albums of births and thought to myself, "Why can't I just have a freaking baby already?". Sunday was not my finest moment. Well, then what do you know? I got an email from a friend saying: “We're expecting a baby!”  That’s wonderful news. I know you can’t tell by reading this, but deep down I truly am excited for them. For real.

Today:

At times, I think that we aren’t ever going to have biological children; my hope is shattering, maybe God doesn't want us to have our own children so why keep trying? Adoption, however, is something He’s been very clear about and it turns out, that’s a great way to have kids! We have felt called to adopt, just waiting on the leading to what kind of adoption (baby, older kid, domestic, international, foster?). To my future adopted treasures….we look forward to loving on you and caring for you, holding you.

For those of you who feel alone in this, you aren't.

Verse for the day:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything. James 1:2-4

Surgery it is...

That's pretty scary to me. I know that the surgery is minimally invasive and that I'll be fine in just a few short days, but, man, I'm terrified. I go in Thursday for me pre-certification appointment and to talk about the surgery more. I fully trust that God has this under control and that He's put me in this doctor's hands for a reason. Next week, if all is good, I'll go in for my pre-op and then have my surgery on Friday, the 19th.

I didn't really let myself think about the surgery because I was so hoping that we'd finally be pregnant this month, but God has bigger and better plans for me and Bryan. We know that He knows what He's doing and we pray that we focus on what He's teaching us through this instead of just being so overwhelmed with the valley we're in.

We've started looking into and praying about adoption and what that would look like for us and what children God is calling us to love on. This will be a step we take whether we have a child of our own, we just aren't sure what that looks like yet. It is weighing pretty heavy on both of our hearts and we feel confident that this is a calling that God has on our lives. That thought absolutely terrifies me. I can say it so calmly, but inside, my heart is racing; my mind is racing. Do I have the capacity to love an adopted child as much as I would one of my own? What if the child we choose doesn't love us? Will we be good examples of Christ to this child? Will we be good parents? I could keep going, but I won't because God knows my thoughts and my fears and He will calm my heart and show us what His will is. We are seriously praying that we aren't filling in God's gaps, but that we are obeying a calling.

A song I love right now: You Are Able by Christy Nockels

Verse:
We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:5

Tough Choices Ahead

Well, we met with a fertility specialist on Thursday of last week. It's taken a while to absorb everything we talked about enough to write about it.

Going in to the appointment, I was nervous, scared, upset, skeptical; but, we went anyway. After trying for 3 years, it couldn't hurt at this point, right? Bryan came with me, so that was comforting. Our new RE, Reproductive Endocrinologist, is not happy with the results or lack of results with Clomid. He told us that after this cycle, if we do not become pregnant again, I will have to have outpatient surgery. The procedure is called a laproscopy and they will stick a camera through my abdomen to see if there is any endometriosis or other factors that are causing me to have trouble getting pregnant. He's not satisfied that it's "unexplained infertility" and wants to get to the bottom of the problem as quickly as he can. While I'm not super excited about having surgery, I understand the necessity of it and I'll go in with a smile on my face. This would mean being on birth control for a full cycle so that they can do the procedure successfully without stopping a pregnancy, etc. Prior to the surgery, he said that I will have a gamut of tests run with acronyms that I can't remember at the moment. After surgery, and this is all hypothetical, we would have the options of an IUI that comes with a price tag of $1500 or IVF, which comes with a slightly higher price tag of $11K. I told the doctor that even though I enjoyed meeting him, I really hoped that being there scared a baby Reno into existence and that we never have to see him again - we all got a good laugh. :)

We are still praying fervently that God will bring us a baby and we know that He has the power to do just that. We would love for you to pray with us.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

Baby Love

I absolutely love babies, but I mean, who doesn't? They are so precious!

At this stage in my life, almost 30, I'm surrounded by new babies and baby announcements and lots of pregnant friends. It's hard to walk down the road of infertility a lot of the time. I am so excited for these women and so incredibly grateful that God has blessed them with a precious little life. The challenge I put on myself to pray for women I know who become pregnant while I'm still trying to get pregnant has been difficult but also liberating. It's wonderful to know that I can still find joy even when it hurts so incredibly bad that it's not me that's pregnant - again.

This morning as I was scrolling through Facebook, I saw 4 birth or pregnancy announcements. Facebook can be the devil in disguise when it comes to infertility. I think it's most difficult when, in the time we've been trying to conceive, a few friends are now announcing the pregnancy or birth of their second children. And it hits hard. The why me's or why nots or what the heck is wrong with me questions surface in an overwhelming way.

This week we finally got referred out to an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). We meet with him on September 20 and I'm optimistic about any new approach or avenue we haven't considered yet. The initial idea of being referred to a specialist rocked me. I was so frustrated that I had to go to somebody who specialized in me not being able to get pregnant. Maybe it shouldn't have frustrated me. I'm not frustrated with my doctors because I know they are doing all they can for me, I'm just frustrated with my body. If there is nothing wrong, why the heck can't I get pregnant? What the heck is the problem, right? But I've calmed down a little and come to an acceptance and I'm eager to hear what this new doctor at Austin Fertility Institute has to say and learn from him and his team.

Until then, as always, my verse:

Psalm 113
Praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord, you his servants; praise the name of the Lord.
Let the name of the Lord be praised, both now and forevermore.
From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised.
The Lord is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens.
Who is like the Lord our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth?
He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes, with the princes of his people.
He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children.
Praise the Lord.

Be Patient

I've started this new bible reading plan called, Living the Surrendered Life. I really love it and I'm learning a lot about myself and I feel like I'm growing closer to God in this time, even when it's painful. The relationship is becoming intimate because I feel like He's all that I have - which is how I should operate even when I am "getting my way".

For those of you reading this blog that are struggling in the same way that I am, I encourage you to read this devotional I got yesterday morning:

After being married about 18 months, my husband and I decided that we wanted to have a child. Once we made that decision, we figured that we'd be pregnant in no time. That was in 1994. Our first son was not born until 1999.

Those years of waiting, negative pregnancy tests, watching my girlfriends having their 1st, 2nd and 3rd children when I could not even get pregnant with one child were excruciating. It was a great desire in my heart to be a mom. Why did God make me wait so long? Better yet, why don't some women ever get to become a mom?

During those arduous years, I didn't know why I had to wait. However, since his arrival all those years ago, God has revealed to me over and over again that He is sovereign and I am not.

I believe that God developed some character traits in me during that season of life that otherwise might not have been developed. My intimacy with God is deeper than ever because He truly became everything to me. He knew every thought and feeling I had during this painful time. I wasn't afraid to be real with Him and cast all of the hurts I had onto him. After all, the Bible says in 1 Peter 5 to "cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." I did just that. You can, too.

Exercising patience is not a lot of fun. I am fairly certain that I have never heard anyone say, "Man, I am so excited about what God is going to show me and how I'm going to change during this time of waiting. Woo hoo!" No, not so much. But, as I've talked with countless people over the years after their seasons of waiting, every single person has said that he/she wouldn't trade the life lessons learned for the comfortable life they had before. You see, it's in those days, months and years of waiting where we start to look a lot more like Christ. A good friend of mine describes patience as "waiting without complaining."

I think we could all stand to stop complaining during the waiting.

If you like what you're reading, you can start reading this plan on your own too.

As always, my verse for the day:
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

God has a sense of humor!

Last night at bible study was SO hard for me. I heard about a child that is not in the best environment, going into care of the state and I just broke. I had one of those, it's not fair, why me moments. I know we all have them and we are human. I'm so thankful for the girls in my bible study who prayed for me in that moment. I love them so much.

This morning, I was doing my devotional and just had to laugh out loud at God and His timing. He definitely has a sense of humor. Here was my devotional today, you can't make this stuff up:

A lot of times things just don't go our way. The natural response to an undesired event in our life is disappointment. When you apply for that dream job and don't land it. When you think a relationship has potential and it suddenly ends. When you study for hours for an exam only to find you have to re-take it. When you take your 13th pregnancy test and still don't see that second line. When you submit your writings for publication and they aren't accepted. When you pray for that person to change and you don’t see anything different.

If we say that we don’t ever feel disappointment over things like this, we are probably trying to be too spiritual. Feeling disappointment is understandable and even accepted. But, it should be a stepping-stone on our path with Jesus…not the anchor that drowns us.

We all have dreams that we want to see transpire in our lives. But if they are our dreams and we have not consulted our Heavenly Father, then they often lack vision and purpose toward a higher goal. Our plans, even on our very best day, are nothing compared to the amazing plans God has for us.

We have to rest in the sovereignty of God and the fact that he will always keep His Word to us. The last time I checked, our Creator is never late in His promises to us.

I just sat there and laughed out loud. He can't speak any louder than that! My action plan is this: to pray for other women and give God genuine praise when He brings the miracle of life to them. It is a precious gift that should be praised and I want to be able to do that. I know it will be so hard and I won't always want to do so but I do believe that is what He is putting on my heart. I have spent the past few years so depressed and so disappointed that He isn't "blessing me" when in fact He hasn't stopped blessing me. I'm learning to slowly use the disappointment to grow my relationship with my Heavenly Father, to enjoy being drawn to Him even if it IS painful.

Verse for the Day:
Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Good song I heard today too: Blessings by Laura Story

Frustration Mounts

I told y'all I had to start taking Provera - a medicine to start my cycle up again last month. Well, what the nurse or pharmacist didn't tell me was to STOP TAKING IT if I started on my own. So, now, I've started my 2nd cycle in 2 weeks. Frustration is mounting and it's hard for me to lean into God on this one because nothing seems like it's under control. I'm so angry with the nurse and the pharmacist for letting this happen. I called on Monday and left a message for the nurse to ask through their email system as well and didn't hear back until Thursday when it was too late and I'd already taken all of the meds.

Trying to remember that God is bigger and He'll get me through this...

Good vs. Bad - Infertility Woes

Well, no blood test was needed this morning as I started on Saturday. My doctor advised to go ahead and start using the progestin he prescribed to make sure my body was reacting properly. I have two more days worth of that medicine to take - it's not bad, doesn't make me feel sick, dizzy, anything like that. While I'm very sad that we aren't pregnant, I'm really thankful that it didn't turn up to be something like a cyst or a miscarriage. That would have been even more devastating.

I started another round of Clomid this morning to make sure my body ovulates since it got a little thrown off course this time around. This month is going to be chock full of doctor's appointments to make sure everything is ok - well, every month from now on will be, according to my doc. I have an ovulation sonogram (monthly now) on the 12th or 13th day of each cycle. Then on the 21st day of the cycle, I go in for a progesterone screening.

Our next option will be the IUI - more info here. I don't know what is stalling me, but I'm still not completely on board with this idea yet. We are still praying through this decision. Right now, we are considering using a fertility monitor in addition to our normal ovulation predictor kit to see if we can get a better read on my cycle at all and plan better.

My verse for the week:
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

Questions...

I go in for a blood test on Monday to confirm I'm not pregnant (back story in previous post). If it comes back negative like we all assume it will, I will be started on a progestin to help me start my cycle again. Trying so hard not to be angry right now. This is the last thing you want to happen when you are trying to conceive, especially if you've been trying as long as Bryan and I have (see previous post for our story). It feels like a huge slap in the face.

Holding true to this today:
For I know the plans I have for you, says the lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.
Jeremiah 29:11

Infertility sucks...

Infertility is a hard road to walk down. I couldn't imagine trying to walk that road without the friends and family God has placed in my life. For that matter, I couldn't imagine doing this without a firm relationship with my heavenly Father. The relationship isn't perfect. I scream at Him. A lot. I cry to Him more than you know. I question Him daily on why His way has to be so hard. But, at the end of the day I trust Him and I know that His plan is supremely better than my plan ever could be.

We had somewhat of a "3-Year Plan". Get married, be "free" for 2 or 3 years, have fun, and then try to get pregnant when we were ready. This has proved to be somewhat tricky. We've followed our own plan instead of abiding in God's plan. I always thought it would be easy to get pregnant, we'd just try for a few months and it would happen - not the case. Sometimes you hear women say, "oh, my husband can just look at me and I get pregnant", or "just have a few cocktails, that's how I got pregnant". I know they aren't trying to be hurtful, that's their experience and they are so very blessed to have it that easy. For some of us though, fertility seems like the hardest task on the planet. Add to that the fact that you have absolutely no control over it and it's even harder. 

Here's our story: For the past 3 years, Bryan and I have been trying to get pregnant. We started a few months before our adorable little nephew was born in September of 2009. When we have been overwhelmed, we've taken a few months off here and there or just not put as much focus on it but in total, it's been 3 years. We finally went to the doctor in January of this year for help. It's not easy for me to ask for help so this step was monumental. Our doctor advised us to try for 2 more months and then we would start a fertility drug called Clomid. In March, after failing to conceive, we accepted this as an option after much thought and prayer and have been using that every month since then as a fertility aid - even more monumental. We've been on the drug for 4 months now and this past time, we thought it had worked it's magic and I was in fact pregnant. I'm never even a day late and this cycle, I am now two weeks late, however, we are not getting a positive test at home. I have a call in to my doctor and I'll keep you all updated on this journey we are going through. I don't have high hopes though as we keep getting negative tests. I do know though that when we do have a child, whether naturally or through adoption, if it comes to that, it will be the sweetest day and the blessing will feel that much bigger. 

This is what we're learning: Our lives aren't our own and apart from God, we can do nothing. 

Learning from these verses today:

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6


A good quote:
Perhaps strength doesn’t reside in having never been broken, but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places.  - Unknown

Boot Lust

Well, the first "cold snap" has hit in Texas and I'm glued to every shoe website I can find looking for that perfect pair of boots, preferably in Cognac and maybe a black pair too.  Every girl should have a good pair of boots I say.

Looking forward to tonight and seeing all the neighbor kiddos in their Halloween costumes.  We are being those silly people who dress their animals - yeah, you heard me.  Our dogs have costumes, something I swore I would never EVER do.  I just did it.  I'll be sure to post some pics here later this week along with our Halloween pics too.

This past weekend was really great doing Halloween with our good friends but my 29 year old body can't handle closing the bars down quite as well as my 23 year old body could.  Still recovering and I'm sure I will be the rest of the week.

Off to continue ogling boots.

Miranda Love

Checked #11 off the list.

I love Miranda Lambert.  If you know me, you know that.  Last night I finally got to see her live and I'll say that the obsession has grown - probably by leaps and bounds.  I may have a crush...it's possible.  She's so spunky and fun and bossy and redneck and she's not scared of any of it.  LOVED it!!!  Pistol Annies showed up and rocked it too.  Then to top it off, Randy Rogers Band and Justin Moore were just amazing.  Best concert I've been to in a while, full of hell raising, redneck, good 'ol country boys and girls.  If you haven't seen Miranda live though, go do it - you WON'T regret it.  In my humble opinion, she needs to be nominated for entertainer of the year.

In other news, I've managed to roll my ankle TWICE this weekend within 12 hours of each other - same ankle.  How is it possible that one person can be THIS accident prone?  Hopefully it gets better soon.

The pups are doing good.  Avery goes back to the vet tomorrow to check on his ear infection and to see if he lost weight.  Fingers crossed - we just realized he's been eating Sara's food.  Oops!!