I definitely realize that I will never NOT be called "mama" now and for that, I really am truly grateful. It's been about 4 months since my latest miscarriage. I want to tell you that everything is better, my mental health is better and all the days are good, but I'm not there yet. But, that's also OK! If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook, you likely saw this post.
I was doing a study on Daniel right before I miscarried and they summed up the story of Daniel 3 with this, "If not, He is still good". And I immediately bought the t-shirt as a reminder, and it's so strange because that became my mantra, the words I held onto. I felt like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. The truth is, I was clinging to that story so hard because in the midst of my own storm I related to them, that they went into that fiery pit knowing God could save them, but knowing His goodness even if He chose not to. We went from our gender reveal ultrasound to my doctor's office to find out that our baby was gone. We prayed for God to save that baby the whole way to her office. He didn't. But that didn't change the fact that He's good. And that He loves us and our baby so fiercely.
Y'all. In the last few months, I'm not going to lie, I have felt like I was getting my hair singed off at times. I have felt like I was on fire. But God's goodness perseveres, and for that I am eternally thankful. I'm coming up on my due date, and there are definitely days where I have started to feel like I'm spinning a bit.
Here's what I know and what I've learned, though:
Jesus is constantly with me, even when I can't feel him.
Jesus knew when he put those babies in my belly the number of our days together and he still trusted me to be their mama.
This life is not our forever home and my sweet babies are dancing with Jesus.
Jesus loves my babies, those with Him and those here with me, even more than I do.
God pursues me in my suffering.
God can and will work through our darkest moments for His glory.
Our suffering will always ebb and flow.
Happy Things:
I had a really hard time bonding with Owen when he was born (I promise this gets happy - keep reading). I hadn't dealt with my first miscarriage and all of that pain and heartache came rushing back when Owen was born because he wasn't THAT baby, the one I lost. But, since the most recent miscarriage and even a few months before, we have started bonding more and more each and every day. The last 4 months, I have felt an even more overwhelming sense of love and gratitude for that sweet babe.
Jaden will be turning 4 in a few weeks, a few days before what would have been my due date, and we get to go to Colorado to celebrate his sweet, little life! I'm so excited that we are able to go to his favorite place with some of our favorite people to celebrate that sweet (also ornery and fierce) little boy.
Owen is SO CLOSE to walking and it is so exciting to watch him gain confidence in his abilities.
I love watching both of our boys grow and conquer this life and pray that as they grow that they choose to do that with Jesus.
If I could leave you with one thing if you're going through hard times, it'd be this. God sees you. He's with you. You may not feel him, but he's there friend. Life stinks sometimes. There are days where I'd love nothing more than to just take on a punching bag. You don't have to feel guilty for being mad. Just don't sit in it and stay there. Lean into Jesus and trust in His goodness.
