Mama...the word that brought me to my knees

Jaden said "mama" for the first time the other day. It might have been an accident, because he hasn't said it since then, but in that moment was such a rush of emotion. I was over the moon excited. But then I remembered what it felt like when I thought I would never hear that word and it be intended for me.

It shouldn't be a surprise to any of you that the journey to "mama" was such a hard one for us. There was a time, not too long ago even, that the word "mom" brought so much pain with it. It was a word that I thought would never be my name, a name I would never be called. It was a dream and it felt so completely unreachable. I would see overly pregnant strangers and cry or hear of successful pregnancies of even my closest friends and bawl my eyes out in agony wanting that so badly for myself and Bryan. I remember wanting to be joyful and share that precious experience with my friends but having to fight through so many hard emotions to do just that.

I'm writing this for those women who are in that moment now, too. I remember the pain and devastation of waiting for those two lines to show up. I remember the fear and agony and hope that went along with our foster training.

In that moment that I heard that sweet boy say mama, I thought of all of you who are there right now. My single friends who just assume it is never going to happen for them. My friends who are struggling with the hard road of infertility. My friends who have had miscarriages recently. And my sweet friends with hearts of gold that are waiting so patiently to be chosen to adopt those precious babies who need their unconditional love.

Here is what I want you to hear today. I love you so much. I see you struggling. God sees you struggling. He hasn't left or forgotten or given up on you. He still hears your cries. Don't give up hope. I haven't been able to get you out of my head or my heart.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

Jaden, Meet...Your Mom

I'm not sure how it happens exactly, but motherhood changes us. Maybe not for every mother, but it has changed me in these 5 short months. I used to be funny(er). I used to be light-hearted. It used to take a lot to bring me down. I was much more confident in myself.

These days, I don't have enough time. I feel like I'm so busy running around, keeping a small child alive and clothed and cleaned on top of working a full-time job outside of the home to be anything but tired - scratch that, exhausted. So, I don't feel like myself. More often than not, I feel worried that I'm doing everything wrong or I'm feeling guilty about the things I haven't done that day (introducing solid foods, getting enough tummy time, playing in our exersaucer, and the list goes on).

Perhaps though, even though everything is changing, I'm being refined into just what Jaden needs in his mommy. We are all growing together. My hope is that even though I feel less sure of myself or ridiculously tired all the time or like I have a short fuse, that J will see that I put my whole trust in God, that I am completely secure in how much God loves me and his daddy and him and that God forgives and is so gracious - even with my short fuse.

Maybe "mommy" might turn out to be so much better than Andrea ever was, but not because of any character traits that "make me who I am"...but more because of the people who do.